Your solicit temple,
Your meditation a lust,
Your religion a leper
Obliterate them all to dust—

Deceit- the core of the heart,
Bloom forth your disguises from above,
Hide, fabricate, lost is all that’s between
Truth your empire, built up by the sin.

The spirits roam screaming in vice
My hearts throne torn between the eyes,
The space you see could meet one day
Can you see unified?

Truth your empire, wipe out all sin,
Hide away the traces, bathe them akin,
Your incense, your mind- the lies sublime
Blow away the ashes to settle on another time…

Right, continuing from the previous mental rant…
Going through it I realized just how carried away I got! I mean cmon! It had no head, no tail and no ass either. Right…
So where was i? yes..on the starting note I talked about how incoherent my thoughts are, and reading that entry, I am convinced more of it. There was material, but no design.
Something which many people think its how the world is. Wrong.
There is material, and like hell there is a design!
But who is the designer?? I wish I knew myself… on this subject I just don’t know what to say. A million and one possibilities but… okay maybe not a million and one… but maybe who knows? Maybe there are a million and one, but see our imagination is limited…possibilities, possibilities…gak!

And yeah, more possibilities, but is there ONE answer?
I don’t know…
Hmmm…
Well… aside from the designer, we have the design. Our minds are so limited that we cant even understand this design. We are so unsound that nothing we see connects or clicks, but infact I think everything is interconnected and everything is sound. We just destroyed the equilibrium while looking for the equilibrium. Which is a sad fact! All this bullshit about economic equilibrium really disgusts me. Equilibrium to a lifeless mechanism? Its something that we have created and something that is destroying at an unbelievable rate…
And all these talks about stopping global warming…uh..its a gradual process. I hate to break it to you but its inevitable, its just that we are speeding up the whole thing. So stopping global warming is not going to help, but trying to reduce the damage we inflict on earth meanwhile…that’s what we should be aiming at.
Frankly, I don’t mind horse carriages! I love horses in fact, and if we have to revert to old style carts and all that, HELL YEAH ILL LOVE IT!
I have this weird fascination with everything that is old. I don’t know why. But heres a fact I have to face. Things were no better in the medieval times, especially not with the stinky armpits all around. Yeah…what would the world be without deo? But still…there is this weird fascination and I suppose it has something to do with the fact that at least people treated each other somewhat better…or did they? Errr..with the whole slave thing going on I’m not too sure about that but there is something very appealing in that rustic setting…its all fantasy of course. I mean look at the plagues that spread killing millions. All because of TERRIBLE hygiene conditions. Plus the people back then didn’t shower. An interesting fact my friend put in was the point of the bouquet of flowers the bride used to hold. The groom apparently used to stink so bad that the bride held flowers to ward off that offensive vile smell…ehhh…how the hell did they even think of rolling in the hay (if you know what I mean… ) with them? Oh I bet you the brides were no better. Hehe…
But maybe it’s the fact that there was NATURE almost everywhere. I mean they were not confined to concrete were they? Or maybe its just the war and the battles and chivalry. But I can just imagine how bad even Achilles and King Arthur must have smelt. Phew! And not just them, imagine…hordes and hoards of people drenching in their own sweat. Enough to kill the enemy I suppose. Or they must be immune to it. Don’t forget the smell of the dead and the rotten bodies…
Which brings me to yet another something… death… we all talk of death, write about death, and death seems to have become an obsessive thought or trend of some kind…why I remember those days when I used to write stories filled with a certain edge of gore and blah blah…now? Now that I know the gravity im scared as hell…:S I don’t even want to talk about it but it’s a thought that haunts me. I’m not ready…but is anybody?? Hmmm…lets change the subject…

Ummm…well not lets end the subject…my eyes are hurting and this is a cue for a headache. One of those crippling pain in the arses. You know…the surging pain, the feeling as if someone is hammering you on the head with a club. (esp the back of the head). Not nice! And well..i have several books to read so I think ill go and chill with a book or something…:S

my breath rising into a soft ethereal mist
as it is forced out of my body to merge with the air
vaporizing in ghostly circles, touching the unseen body of the wind
as she rushes to sway, bend, tear, break the millions of barriers barring her way.

Carry my soul in your rage,
Let it taste its wanderlust, leave on my memory
A hundred embedded scents, a thousand grains of sand rubbed away from my eyes,
The monkey-ing spirit now meditates in the dark damp cave, satisfied.

Immerge out of the dark whirlpool of waters,
The mist of a thousand breaths clinging onto you
The shadows collaborating with the solid darkness
A millennium of shapes- your imaginations cue.

Left alone with the elemental song,
The world sinks in its dusty grave,
Your dew; my skin; its all the same,
My breath; your wind; our hearts raging flame.

Wash over me and scatter my soul with yours,
Dust and leaves, what a journey we sing!
Wash over me, my dark figure disappearing,
Its still here but in the rain you will see, we are one and together unseen…

In a heightened dizzy frenzy,
The coherence whispered one last goodbye,
Come! Engulf this loathsome child,
Spake that unseen goddess,
Come! Engulf this loathsome child
Master chaos, Come and delude these restricted dimensions.

The sorrowful voice trembled as if suspended by strings
Thrown to and fro by the sojourn wind,
The very existence shook, tremors tremulously quaking,
What little grasp sanity had upon its own sanity
Shook, the thin strings flexing their languid resonance,
Master chaos, come and delude these indolent dimensions.

A single crystal amassing all locked emotions,
In a blurry cacophony it fell,
Its depths echoing a colorless rainbow,
The prisms alighted with electric silence,
Cry, my child cry, cry out of self pity and learn,
Learn your every tear’s worth thrown into oblivion.

Learn your every tear’s worth and indulge in this existence
But what worth are your tears if you cry for yourself?
Will it bring your past back to life, will it awaken those deadened ashes,
Will it erase all your worries? The tear that falls into disequilibrium cries for itself,
Inclined towards self pity. Cry now you sorrowful voice,
The gravity pulling at your every tremor selfishly quaking…
The unseen goddess now laughed, cry loathsome child, cry!
Your every fallen tear will never heal those mutant scars…

Nocturnal hours spin into disequilibrium;
The elongated moments a deceptive minds ploy,
Suppressed with assured idiosyncrasy,
The holy fathers now confer to the bleak.

Once in a verdurous valley of greens,
Inseparable from the airs of earth or earths’ air,
Traced into the souls, depth pushing aside the shallow waters,
The hyperborean’s clear voice rang…

Once in a verdurous valley of greens,
Songs of the meeting nymphs sang,
They’re lutes attuned to Lord Apollo,
Each string fretting divine serenity.

Once in a verdurous valley of greens,
We seated ourselves under a lush carpet of velvet,
Drinking the dew the leaves gathered
Singing with the nymphs our hearts conquered.

Once in a verdurous valley of greens,
The wind spake, Lazarus’s wars did quake as
Immaterial the gods would say- what was to die will remain
And join the willows to make a wreath for thy head.

Once in a verdurous valley of greens
Unity was all that was apparent; the sky wove the tales
The earth lived and engraved –
Each a jewel which shone to shine together.

Once in a valley of verdurous greens
We forgot our love; temptation thus swayed
Our simplistic longings to be with one another,
The forgotten cause overridden by its deluded rapture.

Now in a bleak oblivion
We sit, tracing those days where your hands
Interlocked mine, a spell in our eyes
Binding each other in the aurorean light.

Now in a bleak oblivion
Touching each other through the mere glass of memory
The shallow waters engulf my feet, erasing all my journeys worth
While the shadows of a romance are brought in with the tide…

There are a few things I don’t understand at the moment- but I suppose I understand why I don’t really understand them…you see…my thoughts are far from sound and there are still bridges which I’m trying to bridge…but I guess ill have to wait until thing become more coherent. With time comes more understanding, and this I have learnt the hard way. Trying to grasp things that your mind isn’t ready for will just confuse you, so I guess until the time comes when my thoughts will be clearer ill just have to wait…
Justice…justice they say. And democracy…but I wonder…is there really such a thing?
See democracy is just a phrase really…”the free and equal right of every person to participate in a system of government, often practiced by electing representatives of the people by the majority of the people,” within which the citizens are guaranteed freedom…but is it really the case? Looking at it in a literal sense how can there be freedom if there is a law? A law which limits the freedom? And looking at it in a wider sense, how can there be freedom if we are tied and bound down by earthly ties? By physical or bodily ties? By the ties of our desires? Even by the ties of our ignorance or otherwise. We are all just tied down to this bog and no matter how much we try there can be no freedom. Why even gravity is conspiring against this freedom. How can we be free when not even the sky is free, but is in fact bound within the earth? People use the term as free as a bird, but are they free really? Yes, they can fly, but don’t you think they are tied by their commitments, what ever they are? But the amazing thing is that birds, even though people think are dumb are actually quite smart. The expression “bird brain” should be chucked really. If you look at a flock of birds carefully, you will notice perfect synchronization. Notice how they constantly change their positions; it’s almost as if they are in some way trying to protect one another while trying to catch the right air current. Amazing really. But…well where was i? oh yeah…birds and freedom. Don’t you think the bird is bound to things like building their nests, feeding their young or even learning how to fly? Somehow humans always think that they are the smartest shit things around just because we have advanced more than the other animals. And while we think so we too forget that we are animals. But how can you forget such a thing when you are a mere dog to the system???

Justice…is there such a thing? The law convicts people who do wrong; but at the same time there are some evils that people cannot help but commit and why? Because people are people. Most criminals if you notice are just trying to live too. I suppose what cheeses us off is the fact that they’re living in a dishonest way and on top of it they’re living on our expense. Somehow I don’t think people give a shit about the fact that what they are doing is morally wrong; they’re more concerned about the fact that its their hard earned money that’s being squandered…
As for being morally wrong; what if they were not taught their morals? Can you convict a person for something they don’t know is wrong? Not even is born privileged as most of us are. Not every one has an education or even parents or adults to teach them. What if they were brought up by crooks and thieving is the only thing they were taught? Where is the “justice” in convicting such people? Is it their fault really that they have not had the chance to learn that they are being accused of crimes? Don’t they feel too; don’t they breathe and as shylock would say, do they not bleed too? If you want to bring about justice then why don’t you first try to work on this??? I would understand why the law would convict someone who intentionally committed an error, but how can you accuse them for something they are not responsible for? Justice? My foot.
Even the history of justice is fraught. Crimes had to be committed for the sake of this “justice,” and how can this “justice” be valid if violence is used in its pursuit??? Its like trying to make something ugly beautiful by painting over it, but the point is if you look closer and deeper, you will see just how ugly it is, and what adds to this ugliness is the fact that we tried to disguise it.

So what should we do now? Start all over? Wish it was that easy. People have based their lives on this, lived by this and died by it- and as we know human beings don’t like change, but unfortunately for us nothing stays the same… but it’s something we can’t accept. Imagine if the whole of mankind just stopped- forgot about making money and trying to make a name in this dogged system- and just thought about it for a moment. And thinking is quite something, but doing something about is greater. What if the whole of mankind just got together and decided to start all over again?
Or what if we just added humanity into all these systems instead? The economy for instance is inhuman, it has no feeling, no thought and nothing that makes it something we should base our lives on. But we still do- we still do. What if we tried to take a more humane approach towards this? Basing our lives on mere equations and worst of all, assumptions has led us nowhere. Yes, the economy is there to basically make sure you have food to feed your stomach with, but it eliminated the food for the head and the heart doesn’t it? Not in a literal sense of course. It’s such a senseless march. Utterly nonsensical. And yet there is nothing we can do about it. To live with such a system you have to become like the system- inhuman.
There was a time when human life had value- don’t ask me when, but there was a time I believe when every life mattered- or was there? That’s a very interesting question actually…looking at the past, during the stone age time perhaps…did we humans kill each other for possession of thing? Probably… and im basing this on scientific facts even though I don’t really believe everything these scientists feed us with. There was this interesting documentary on Nat geo where they showed how chimps reacts. And if evolution was how we came here- well this can be applicable to humans as well. See chimps don’t know and cannot register what sharing is. And this was experimented and proven that the chimp is a very selfish animal. It will take but never give- and it will fight to take what it wants. So..based on this, the homo sapiens(am I right to assume that the people of the stone age fall under this category? If I’m not mistaken, humans trace back to only 20,000 odd years and the Homo sapiens are the modern species of human beings) probably fought and even killed each other. Right. The Bronze Age and iron age too I suppose was no different. And the medieval ages- peh we all know how that was, with the slave trade and everything and the bronze and iron age fall under this too I suppose. And this age- this age we know with certainty that selfishness is what we breathe in.
So was there really a time when human life had any value??? I doubt it.
Where is this coming to really? I’m getting carried away…hmmm…
Yes, we were talking about justice…what justice is there really when we all have different ideals and different morals and are yet expected to live by a given law. Where is the freedom of choice? Some of us may choose to indulge in something which we think is not morally wrong. See its all a matter of perception. So can we really base our judgment on this? How can we bring justice if this is the case??? Am I making sense? Probably not! Cz I really don’t know what I’m talking about…
My thoughts are just going in circles and circles. But its funny how we think it’s the end of the world that mankind is in such a bog (while we are mostly sheltered and barely know what it is like to live through the real grind of life) and can do nothing but sit and think…that too sit in our comfortable cushioned chairs in front of an LCD computer screen…

Do we know what it is like to feel the pain? How can we? What do we go through? Our problems are nothing! And this is one of those realizations that made me snap out of my depression. Yes, so what if I’m going through a tough time. So what if my head is in a psychological dung hole, so what if I have problems. Big deal. Everyone else has them too. And most of them have it worse. What do I have to worry about huh? Yes, getting out of this in one piece of mind and with my sanity attached but do I really have to worry about things like having to provide for my family which is below the line of poverty? Do I have to worry about my sick children who will die if I don’t give them proper health care, but I simply cant afford to for my job doesn’t even pay me enough to feed them? No. no such thing. Do I have to worry about my daughters being raped? Do I have to worry about my sons going to pointless wars to fight someone else’s battles? Do I have a mother dying of cancer and I have no funds what so ever to ease her pain? do I have a drunken bastard husband? Do I have aids? do I..do i… im running out of things to say! Do I have any of this??? NO! no such thing!
Yes its possible in the future ill have to worry about stuff like feeding my own self, working and trying to make a decent living, but at the end of the day we know that we wont have to go through any of this(or am I simply being optimistic?) we know for a fact that we wont end up in the streets begging for money or having to resort to sell ourselves. This is because of our upbringing. Well mine is of an upper middle class family so I have been basically sheltered from everything actually. I have every basic need. So what if I don’t have my wants? So what if I have no freedom huh? So what if I have a fucked personal life? Point is I have it better than almost everyone else. Perhaps things will change for me from next year onwards. But even then, even then, it’s not like I won’t be able to get a decent job. its not as if I will have to resort to things like prostitution to earn a living or something.

And living like this…do we know how it is to feel the pain? What if we felt the pain of the whole of the human existence? Every single tear shed, everyone’s mental agony, everyone’s physical pain? No matter how trivial, what if we felt that? What if we felt how it is to have a painful death? To die without a last look of your loved one, to die out of utter physical torment? What if we did?
But heres the thing. Notice how limited what I have written is. What if I was to state every possible circumstance??? What if? But I cant. You see our minds are limited, we cannot grasp a few variables, and if you want proof of this, try this out.

On a cloudy but moon lit night, go outside and look at the sky. Focus on the moon. At first it will seem as if the moon is moving, but then focus on the clouds, then you will realize that the clouds are moving and not the moon. But what if I said it was neither the clouds nor the moon that’s moving but the earth?? Sounds crazy huh? But if you tried to calculate these movements and try to predict something out of it, will you??? I highly doubt it. Yes, you may be able to measure the speed at which the clouds move, yes you may be able to calculate the moons movements, and maybe you can put that into an equation. But scientifically the earth moves too. And the wind level is not constant. And there are so many other variables- and its nigh impossible to calculate all of them. There are so many things happening all at once- but there’s one thing ive realized. My so called pointless nights where I simply lie on my back and stare at the sky have brought me to a realization- in nature there is unity in everything. And that is what some of my novels are based on (to be more precise my last two, that is daylight stalker and the sky above and hell below) and to grasp everything at once you have to have a higher level of consciousness. And this is something nigh impossible but something I hope to aim for. Sounds silly, but I would like to have a sound clockwork, no more glitches if you don’t mind.

And these glitches…they’re something we have to live with I guess… and learn out of. Which is one reason why I’m simply accepting things in my life the way they are. So what if I have problems? There are more to come and if I cant live with this, how will I face everything that is to come? And like I said before I have it better off than most people…so what the fuck? But im getting carried away as usual and don’t even know the meaning of this mindless ranting….

But yeah…I guess that too is something I will have to live with…but what if there was a way we could start all over again? Undoubtedly we would end up in the same bog cz we are humans after all…And humans I guess were meant to be this way…

Just one last thought or maybe perhaps more than one, I think what plato said about the philosopher king has lot of gravity. If we didn’t have these mindless selfish stinky politicians ruling over (AHEM WELL WE ELECTED THEM YOU KNOW!!!! THE IRONY!) then most likely most of the problems would be solved. (however I don’t agree with plato about banning the poets and artists and in a more broad case the bohemeans. Gah! What would the world be without them? But as in said before, all we can do is think WE DON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT WHATSOEVER!)
The thing with doing something new is the fact that we are afraid to do it alone. Or we simply don’t want to…
There could have been so many changes in this world if we simply thought for a minute…but its come to such a point that thinking before you leap is a disastrous move! Before we know it the chance will be gone. Its as if time is conspiring against us….hmmmm…

I know im forgetting a lot, and I haven’t mentioned quite a lot too, but the human mind is a flawed piece of work, the very reason why psychology exists in the first place. It’s a trap, a deceptive defective device…and can anything be done about that or are we simply to be this way???? Hmmm…:S

“father…
Everyone thinks we are wrong,
But who are they to judge us,
Just because our hair is long?”

I agree with you maynard. Looking at it in a general sense, just because some of us defy the norm doesn’t mean we are wrong. See the whole justice and democracy thing all over again…
Funny how everything is so interconnected, but we just cant see it. And on that note my final words (I hope) are, its all a perfect circle, designed by goodness knows what or who and where we fit in…I wish I knew…

ignore the typo errors if there are any!

what will become of me?

the awakening of mankind.

im not too sure about which verse to insert...the first one is the original before the edit, and i just randomly came up with the second while i was working on the 4th edit job...hmmm....

prologue:zera

And She departed again, in the very silence Chaos brought with him, but without the wind to sing for Her…

Hysteria amounting;
Claustrophobia intervening;
Rivers drown in the drowning sea
Drunk by Her own waters.

A touch of my emotion
Touching the sojourn glassy surface
Boiling and bubbling red, spilling forth
Burying all and burning the rest.

Disconnect the astral dots
And join them once more
If you care to stay and find out
Maybe the picture wont remain the same…

The picture is getting smaller,
The frames tighter,
Touch the surface my dear,
Perhaps in its reducing depth you will now disappear.

Disappear into the cold dark frame
The edges closing in,
Hysteria amounting,
Your just a portrait- none can hear you scream.

None would want that face
The artist will edit, your worries asunder;
The countdown delirium ticks
But I am that none-
The none that hears your countdown delirium…

i dont know what this means but here goes...just randomly wrote it. dont even know if it makes sense!

Silence at first…utter silence…
Then in a progression of delusion it breaks…
All around, all around…
Cover your ears fool, can you not hear?

Crouch down my love, your bones a hidden in my bosom
Rise you dead fool, can you hear the laughter now,
The silence that cracked in cobweb spirals,
The beating down of the desperate harmonium sensorium,
Buried, buried, but in the air, the distant air,
Not in my breast as ye lies, dead fool,
Can you hear it, your hollow skulls long gone voice?